Confession of my struggles

"Why? Why are you still here, with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run.
And hide myself."

This is a confession. And this is a difficult topic for me to be facing,

but knowing me, here I am.
I'll stand face to face with this topic, and stare it dead in the face, again.
Because I'm gonna be real with you, up close and personal.
I don't have a perfect posture as a Christian.
I jumped and I danced, and that reputation is what I use live by,
but little did y'all know that I was actually dead inside

So here's my confession to you.
Every night I would be the one to wrap my legs around a pillow
and pretend it was my dream man holding me tightly,
and that he would call me his baby.
I would make believe that his hand would be around me,
me against his warm body.
Safe, loved, and beautiful..

But lets get back to reality.
It was my own warmth reflecting right back at me,
and I start twisting that ring of mine that represents purity.
Waiting for the man that's right for me,
to finally unlock the desires God has kept for me.
In a safe, kept locked away that leaked on some nights.
Nights where I so badly wanted to brake that safe and let everything pour out of me
but I know that one night of lust isn't worth a baby so I thought pornography would end this sanity, but in the end it left me empty..

Just another lonely night I guess.

There were just some nights where I just couldn't say no to myself,
and I just couldn't get my self to stop!
And the thoughts of self harming myself right after,
maybe, just maybe that's what will get me to stop..

Hey, I have secrets in my closet, so here,
let me open it up,
hold on  it wont budge,
see, it hasn't been opened for a while,
there's just so much behind, and it's piling up.
So let me just fling wide my closet and let the skeletons pour out.
*gasp* I feel the goosebumps from
the audience. Why?

I know, I know it's not pretty,
and I know this isn't what you expected of me,
but these are my thoughts and here they're yours to keep.
I'd be lying if I said, I overcame all my temptation,
because like I said, my heart cracked a bit and leaked on some nights,
nights where I'm not so proud of,
now I know some of you here can relate.

And Jesus, you never said it would be easy , but you promised me,
you promised that you'd take care of me!
I've grown to like being alone,
but some nights I just want to be held again,
and I try to hold back my stupidity.
Soul ties, man aren't those something,
Trying my best to sustain my purity.

Because that desire you've placed in my heart,
it just won't go away.
Its like a vine that just keeps on growing,
and to stop it I chop, chop, chop the vines off,
but it just keeps on growing,
and I want to pull the roots out because all it causes is trouble.
If I leave these roots in, I was convinced all they wanted to do was hurt me..

I remember crying out,
"Can you just rip these roots out of me!?
I'm finished with creating UN-necessary soul ties,
with the people who can't look pass my body.
I don't want to go back in the dark searching love blindly,
then cry on the floor and let the voices haunt me.
You know what I'm talking about!
You know what I've been through!"

But there he goes again,
the enemy creeping in my thoughts.
Which causes me to become mindful that I already found love..
I found You.
I found the love that loves me for me,
God who sacrificed his Son to help me see..
and it doesn't matter how much I love God,
it matters about God's love for me and that love well, it lives inside me.

So until then I will hide behind the thorn bushes, not by force but of choice.
But right now I'm gonna wear my heart on my sleeve,
and from wearing it a little to much, it wore and it tore,
but I wont allow the devil to deceive, me,
and keep my heart locked away were no one can see, me..