Anchors & Cherry Blossoms

Dear God, I've been over thinking,
Not like that's new.
About my life,
my past, present, and future, and all the things that happened with you.

By my side, I can't stop thinking.
How you're the my anchor to my soul,
Because if grace really was an ocean
We really all would be sinking.

So deep in your presence,
It's where we all want to be.
All the way at the bottom ocean floor,
Just you and me.

Though waves and storms will crash around,
To the bottom we will be.
Even through the valley of the shadow of death,
Your words are the lamp to my feet.

Let the Angels play of Dearly Beloved,
I've been struggling with my self for far to long,
Put my soul to rest,
Sing me that wonderful love song.

And I'm laying here, I can't sleep.
Insomnia has come out to play.
Mind full of thought,
but there is just to much to say.

But I don't know God, my thoughts just get to deep!
But dear God I can't stop thinking for the life of me,
but that's the life of a poet, and that life chose me.

Trapped within myself,
I want so want to badly to believe that I can be set free, from me.

Now I'm here daydreaming in the twilight,
How much I want to see,
Pink cherry blossoms,
Sitting in your presence,
My back against that sacred Sakura Tree.
Not just to feel but to be,
At peace, with you and with me.

With my back against the bark,
Cherry blossom fall beneath the tree,
Dreaming of the light in the dark,
Blinded now but one I'll see.

But my mind has been convincing me,
that I am beyond repair and to deep in despair,
but silly little me, that's not the truth,
 I'm just keeping me there.

Because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,
Philippians 4:13, it's on my purity ring.

But dear God I've been thinking,
Not like that's new,
I feel like I'm going no where,
I don't know what to do.

But it won't stay winter forever,
Surely spring will come and do,
Seasons will transition and change,
And cherry blossoms will soon bloom.

Stars and Coffee

I patiently wait,
pulling my sleeves down enough where you can only see my finger tips.
Picking up my coffee mug and pressing it against my lips.
Waiting for you,
here in this place,
Holding my breath,
letting the bitter sweet coffee escaping its way down my throat.
Hearing everyone's chitter-chatter.
Talking about theirs lives, scitter-scatter.
But behind all this, noise.
I hear jazz playing.
Soft jazz, nice jazz.
I've grown to love it,
Here in this place.
But as the door opens, and the cold air makes its way in,
I see your face.

Oh don't try to hide it,
I can see right through that mask of yours.
Take it off, open those master doors.
Let me inside, oh broken porcelain doll.
Let those tears that you've been holding back for so long, fall.
Are you to afraid, to unlock what you've caged in crawl?

Sit, take a sip.
You won't hurt me.
You won't hear a word from me.
I'm here to listen, no need to speak.
Silence speaks louder than words.
But before those words escaped when you opened your mouth,
I woke up to reality,
Practically falling to my knees.

But instead of seeing you in that place, in that old coffee shop,
I look down at you face, in that casket
It's so surreal, it doesn't seem real.
It doesn't even look like you from the last time I saw you from a distance.
Silence does have a funny way of speaking louder than words.
What's sad is how people take the time out to listen,
to the silence when someone's actually missin.

God, come on! I've been dealing with to many deaths in a lifetime!
To much young lives destroyed because of that empty void.
Yolo?
Yeah, you only live once to make a difference.

All I can say is, I'm sorry I should have been there,
those haunting words repeating in the back of everyones mind.
I can't be there for everyone..
I wish I've met you, I truley do,
I'll s look up in the stars, the ones that sparkle and shine, the way you were suppose too,
just knowing in the back of my mind that a cup of coffee with you could have saved you.

Meeting Wisdom

It's been 3 years since I let this man in my broken home.
The windows to my soul were shattered,
and my closets were stuffed with secrets,
My drawers were filled with bad habits,
had hooks to hang up my bitterness,
and bookshelves filled with unforgiveness.
But there, my savior knocked on my door, and I let him inside.
He started cleaning out my home, made me some tea while I sat there,
barley breathing.


Everytime I left that broken house,
I use to walk past Wisdom blindly when she was calling out for me.
Though it was like Chinatown
she stood on a milk crate,
for everyone to see
and I thought it was just some homeless woman just wanting my money.

Her hair was white, with crow feet carved near her eyes,
and her clothes were old and faded.
Yet there was something about her that was different.
Beautiful, though it looked like she had nothing,
her spirit was still bright and youthful.
But there were something else about those eyes that just pierced my soul,
And that's what caught my gaze.
It was as if darkness and light collided,
and I saw the sun through the haze.

She told me her name was Wisdom
but she didn't want anything from me.
Instead she was offering life's greatest gift to me.
This hollering women wants to offer the greatest jewelry, for free.
And around her neck was a key.
I understand now,
Wisdom.
The key that opens life's greatest treasure.
Far more greater than diamonds and rubies.
And she wanted to give that key to me.

Even though the road was narrow and the ways were tough,
I'm glad I came into Ms. Wisdom's path,
because with out her I don't think I would be the one,
to have the last laugh.

So while everyone runs through Chinatown with a fast pace,
I'll sit at Wisdom's feet,
Staring God in the face.

Confession of my struggles

"Why? Why are you still here, with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run.
And hide myself."

This is a confession. And this is a difficult topic for me to be facing,

but knowing me, here I am.
I'll stand face to face with this topic, and stare it dead in the face, again.
Because I'm gonna be real with you, up close and personal.
I don't have a perfect posture as a Christian.
I jumped and I danced, and that reputation is what I use live by,
but little did y'all know that I was actually dead inside

So here's my confession to you.
Every night I would be the one to wrap my legs around a pillow
and pretend it was my dream man holding me tightly,
and that he would call me his baby.
I would make believe that his hand would be around me,
me against his warm body.
Safe, loved, and beautiful..

But lets get back to reality.
It was my own warmth reflecting right back at me,
and I start twisting that ring of mine that represents purity.
Waiting for the man that's right for me,
to finally unlock the desires God has kept for me.
In a safe, kept locked away that leaked on some nights.
Nights where I so badly wanted to brake that safe and let everything pour out of me
but I know that one night of lust isn't worth a baby so I thought pornography would end this sanity, but in the end it left me empty..

Just another lonely night I guess.

There were just some nights where I just couldn't say no to myself,
and I just couldn't get my self to stop!
And the thoughts of self harming myself right after,
maybe, just maybe that's what will get me to stop..

Hey, I have secrets in my closet, so here,
let me open it up,
hold on  it wont budge,
see, it hasn't been opened for a while,
there's just so much behind, and it's piling up.
So let me just fling wide my closet and let the skeletons pour out.
*gasp* I feel the goosebumps from
the audience. Why?

I know, I know it's not pretty,
and I know this isn't what you expected of me,
but these are my thoughts and here they're yours to keep.
I'd be lying if I said, I overcame all my temptation,
because like I said, my heart cracked a bit and leaked on some nights,
nights where I'm not so proud of,
now I know some of you here can relate.

And Jesus, you never said it would be easy , but you promised me,
you promised that you'd take care of me!
I've grown to like being alone,
but some nights I just want to be held again,
and I try to hold back my stupidity.
Soul ties, man aren't those something,
Trying my best to sustain my purity.

Because that desire you've placed in my heart,
it just won't go away.
Its like a vine that just keeps on growing,
and to stop it I chop, chop, chop the vines off,
but it just keeps on growing,
and I want to pull the roots out because all it causes is trouble.
If I leave these roots in, I was convinced all they wanted to do was hurt me..

I remember crying out,
"Can you just rip these roots out of me!?
I'm finished with creating UN-necessary soul ties,
with the people who can't look pass my body.
I don't want to go back in the dark searching love blindly,
then cry on the floor and let the voices haunt me.
You know what I'm talking about!
You know what I've been through!"

But there he goes again,
the enemy creeping in my thoughts.
Which causes me to become mindful that I already found love..
I found You.
I found the love that loves me for me,
God who sacrificed his Son to help me see..
and it doesn't matter how much I love God,
it matters about God's love for me and that love well, it lives inside me.

So until then I will hide behind the thorn bushes, not by force but of choice.
But right now I'm gonna wear my heart on my sleeve,
and from wearing it a little to much, it wore and it tore,
but I wont allow the devil to deceive, me,
and keep my heart locked away were no one can see, me..