Thursday, September 12, 2013
I was quite hesitant of even thinking,
contemplating about re-opening the box of a state of mind I once was in,
just so I could write a poem people can relate too or at least try to understand.
To re-create the feelings and thoughts I had in my desperation just so I could enter the thoughts behind a girl's absent stares,
where her mind is spontaneously generating millions of thoughts that never seem stop.
but what's complicated and difficult is to rethink the pain to explain
to someone who can't relate because they haven't been through it.
I waited, dedicated by praying to God for answers, for months on end.
Asking questions like:
What's wrong with me? And where are you?
To tell you the truth, I was convinced that I lost myself a long time ago and I was never coming back.
I found my feet moving further away from where they were suppose to be;
it started off slow,
gradually and calm until it progressed into something more,
fast and frantic.
I watched myself as I took off running,
tripping and stumbling along the way, leaving my faith behind.
I'm not sure what I was looking for back then exactly,
but man, did I hope I find it.
Looking at the face of this sweet girl in front of me,
that I once knew,
Remembering the state of mind I once was in,
she thought I didn't have a clue.
She was convinced that I wasn't strong enough,
to face the inside,
to see the faces of these demons that taunt and hide.
I was looking into the windows of her soul, and in that room,
it was full of mirrors, of a demon who looked familiar, who created an illusion to appear more than one.
But looking with eyes of love and compassion,
never eyes with judgment.
"I'm so broken that I can actually feel -
I mean physically feel, it and it's ripping me apart.
This is so much more than being sad now,
this is affecting my whole body."
Drowning in darkness,
that sadness swallowed me,
my hand extends in desperation in the dark abyss,
for another hand out there to save me, "Save me.."
Staring at myself in mirror with tears streaming down my face,and just begging, begging
myself to just hold on to be strong.
With my face flat against the floor,
tears sobbing, heart throbbing,
I'm just a flower who is close to losing all of her petals
in desperation for a miracle.
It's not easy to reach out for help when you're depressed,
when you're the one pushing everyone away,
because you' can't wear a mask so well.
I've got a war going on inside my mind, and I'm losing it, losing me in the process of this chaotic mess, and Jesus, I know you're there.
You're the anchor to my soul in the midst of this chaotic storm.
A lion, a dove, separately caged desperately to be freed,
from being a slave bondaged with the sin and all the things that come with it in that one - little - seed;
a seed of destruction perfectly masked, sugar-coated as satisfaction.
So I got up and left those four walls,
and had my mind stretched to new dimensions.
And no matter what I did,
I always felt empty.
Trying to fill the empty void only God could fill,
with everything that I already knew wasn't going to satisfy me.
Just so I can feel again from being numb for so long and feeling ignored,
I did it anyway.
She was like the moon, parts of her always hidden, mysterious.
With different forms, and comes at most nights.
But most nights she's not even there.
I sought out desperately,
looking for myself,
trying to find the pieces of who I use to be,
and I guess that's what I was looking for in the beginning.
But I was never to be found,
my peace of mind was gone,
like a ghost,
I was gone.
But one night,
as I sat dazed and sleepy,
from smoking the bluest dream,
I looked up and I saw me,
disguised as a girl who writes poetry,
rising up honest tides of emotions.
The moon was full,
bright, bold, and beautiful,
out of hiding.
And I knew,
that these party scenes got nothing on the loving arms of Jesus.
Jesus, do you hear us?
Do you hear the longing of the people's silence in the midst of their despair?
I do, and I hope they think of you, and how much you can love them in a moment than all the other lovers could in a life time.
Yeah, I know you've probably heard that before.