Honest Tides

I was quite hesitant of even thinking,
contemplating about re-opening the box of a state of mind I once was in,
just so I could write a poem people can relate too or at least try to understand.

To re-create the feelings and thoughts I had in my desperation just so I could enter the thoughts behind a girl's absent stares,
where her mind is spontaneously generating millions of thoughts that never seem stop.

but what's complicated and difficult is to rethink the pain to explain
to someone who can't relate because they haven't been through it.

I waited, dedicated by praying to God for answers, for months on end.
Asking questions like:
What's wrong with me? And where are you?

To tell you the truth, I was convinced that I lost myself a long time ago and I was never coming back.
I found my feet moving further away from where they were suppose to be;
it started off slow,
gradually and calm until it progressed into something more,
fast and frantic.

I watched myself as I took off running,
tripping and stumbling along the way, leaving my faith behind.

I'm not sure what I was looking for back then exactly,
but man, did I hope I find it.

Looking at the face of this sweet girl in front of me,
that I once knew,
Remembering the state of mind I once was in,
she thought I didn't have a clue.

She was convinced that I wasn't strong enough,
to face the inside,
to see the faces of these demons that taunt and hide.

I was looking into the windows of her soul, and in that room,
it was full of mirrors, of a demon who looked familiar, who created an illusion to appear more than one.

But looking with eyes of love and compassion,
never eyes with judgment.
She said,
"I'm so broken that I can actually feel -
I mean physically feel, it and it's ripping me apart.
This is so much more than being sad now,
this is affecting my whole body."

Drowning in darkness,
that sadness swallowed me,
my hand extends in desperation in the dark abyss,
for another hand out there to save me, "Save me.."

Staring at myself in mirror with tears streaming down my face,and just begging, begging
myself to just hold on to be strong.

With my face flat against the floor,
tears sobbing, heart throbbing,
I'm just a flower who is close to losing all of her petals
in desperation for a miracle.

It's not easy to reach out for help when you're depressed,
when you're the one pushing everyone away, 
because you' can't wear a mask so well.

I've got a war going on inside my mind, and I'm losing it, losing me in the process of this chaotic mess, and Jesus, I know you're there.
You're the anchor to my soul in the midst of this chaotic storm.

A lion, a dove, separately caged desperately to be freed,
from being a slave bondaged with the sin and all the things that come with it in that one - little - seed;
a seed of destruction perfectly masked, sugar-coated as satisfaction.




So I got up and left those four walls,
and had my mind stretched to new dimensions.
And no matter what I did,

I always felt empty.
Trying to fill the empty void only God could fill,
with everything that I already knew wasn't going to satisfy me.
Just so I can feel again from being numb for so long and feeling ignored,
I did it anyway.

She was like the moon, parts of her always hidden, mysterious.
With different forms, and comes at most nights.
But most nights she's not even there.

I sought out desperately,
looking for myself,
my identity,
trying to find the pieces of who I use to be,
and I guess that's what I was looking for in the beginning.
But I was never to be found,
my peace of mind was gone,
like a ghost,
I was gone.

But one night,
as I sat dazed and sleepy,
from smoking the bluest dream,
I looked up and I saw me,
disguised as a girl who writes poetry,
rising up honest tides of emotions.
The moon was full,
bright, bold, and beautiful,
and finally,
out of hiding.

And I knew,
that these party scenes got nothing on the loving arms of Jesus.
Jesus, do you hear us?
Do you hear the longing of the people's silence in the midst of their despair?
I do, and I hope they think of you, and how much you can love them in a moment than all the other lovers could in a life time.
Yeah, I know you've probably heard that before.

Words of Jezebel

I did it again,
I ripped your heart out;
freshly cut in my palms
But this time it didn't fit..

It slipped and it broke
but I didn't even try, to pick up all the little pieces of me,
and everything that mattered the most, to you.

It’s a shame,
I can't treasure it with all the other dozen of hearts I collected in my jar of hearts.
So I left it there with you, to put yourself back together again.

Look at you, you're a mess. 
But you know how the story goes  
Even The Wise King and all the king’s horsemen couldn't put humpty back together again.

But baby this isnt the first time I've done this.

So stop me.. 
STOP me before I brake more souls!
But that's if you can resist my touch
like fireworks that excite you,
with different shades of blues and greens;

and my speech.. haha my SPEECH;
smoother than oil, which no one can even grasp.
It just keeps going, right through your fingertips.

I'm everything you’ve ever wanted.
I’m your ideal, I’m your dream girl.
'm laced with seduction and you can't look away and with my wide eyes,
my wide eyes sparkle with deceit and lies that convince you.

You're the strongest of all men,
but right now I’m stronger than you and you put your trust into a women like me,
and you can't control me.
So I whisper in your ear,
“Nobody will ever know..”

You thought I’d build you up,
I can be your escape.
And it's now you think, 
"The moment looks good, but eternity is better.."

Your mind says one thing and your body does the other.
But if you can resist all that, good luck;
But right now, you’re giving in.. Yes you are.

And once I'm finished with you,
guilt comes in your thoughts,
and the silence between us,
and it starts beaming..
and it starts screaming!

 But you know what? 
I smile.. 
The devilish smirk you will never forget when you're with her,
or with your god,
and if there is a GOD,
where is He now!?
To save you from me?

But you gave in,
which makes me dominant,
and I wanted it!
You start thinking if you're so wise how you can be so stupid.
You and I both know this wasn't love.
Love can wait, lust cannot.

And I lured you in;
with my finest speech and clothes,
bracelets and jewelry that adorned me,  
and people warned you about me but with the finest sheets you came.

You are just another  number added to my list.
I sweep up your shattered heart,
different colors shine and I hand them to you.
Off you go with shame and disgrace,
holding your broken heart against your chest where it use be where there used to be a heartbeat.

 *slow heart beats*

You feel oppressed,
starting to feel depressed,
and it’s getting perplexed,
and you start thinking you’re possessed.

Now I stand and wait with my hand risen in the air for everyone to see,
wearing the mask to hide what's underneath. 
And it's all been said, and it's all be done. 
I wait and seek for my next victim that walks through those church double doors.

Anchors & Cherry Blossoms

Dear God, I've been over thinking,
Not like that's new.
About my life,
my past, present, and future, and all the things that happened with you.

By my side, I can't stop thinking.
How you're the my anchor to my soul,
Because if grace really was an ocean
We really all would be sinking.

So deep in your presence,
It's where we all want to be.
All the way at the bottom ocean floor,
Just you and me.

Though waves and storms will crash around,
To the bottom we will be.
Even through the valley of the shadow of death,
Your words are the lamp to my feet.

Let the Angels play of Dearly Beloved,
I've been struggling with my self for far to long,
Put my soul to rest,
Sing me that wonderful love song.

And I'm laying here, I can't sleep.
Insomnia has come out to play.
Mind full of thought,
but there is just to much to say.

But I don't know God, my thoughts just get to deep!
But dear God I can't stop thinking for the life of me,
but that's the life of a poet, and that life chose me.

Trapped within myself,
I want so want to badly to believe that I can be set free, from me.

Now I'm here daydreaming in the twilight,
How much I want to see,
Pink cherry blossoms,
Sitting in your presence,
My back against that sacred Sakura Tree.
Not just to feel but to be,
At peace, with you and with me.

With my back against the bark,
Cherry blossom fall beneath the tree,
Dreaming of the light in the dark,
Blinded now but one I'll see.

But my mind has been convincing me,
that I am beyond repair and to deep in despair,
but silly little me, that's not the truth,
 I'm just keeping me there.

Because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,
Philippians 4:13, it's on my purity ring.

But dear God I've been thinking,
Not like that's new,
I feel like I'm going no where,
I don't know what to do.

But it won't stay winter forever,
Surely spring will come and do,
Seasons will transition and change,
And cherry blossoms will soon bloom.

Stars and Coffee

I patiently wait,
pulling my sleeves down enough where you can only see my finger tips.
Picking up my coffee mug and pressing it against my lips.
Waiting for you,
here in this place,
Holding my breath,
letting the bitter sweet coffee escaping its way down my throat.
Hearing everyone's chitter-chatter.
Talking about theirs lives, scitter-scatter.
But behind all this, noise.
I hear jazz playing.
Soft jazz, nice jazz.
I've grown to love it,
Here in this place.
But as the door opens, and the cold air makes its way in,
I see your face.

Oh don't try to hide it,
I can see right through that mask of yours.
Take it off, open those master doors.
Let me inside, oh broken porcelain doll.
Let those tears that you've been holding back for so long, fall.
Are you to afraid, to unlock what you've caged in crawl?

Sit, take a sip.
You won't hurt me.
You won't hear a word from me.
I'm here to listen, no need to speak.
Silence speaks louder than words.
But before those words escaped when you opened your mouth,
I woke up to reality,
Practically falling to my knees.

But instead of seeing you in that place, in that old coffee shop,
I look down at you face, in that casket
It's so surreal, it doesn't seem real.
It doesn't even look like you from the last time I saw you from a distance.
Silence does have a funny way of speaking louder than words.
What's sad is how people take the time out to listen,
to the silence when someone's actually missin.

God, come on! I've been dealing with to many deaths in a lifetime!
To much young lives destroyed because of that empty void.
Yolo?
Yeah, you only live once to make a difference.

All I can say is, I'm sorry I should have been there,
those haunting words repeating in the back of everyones mind.
I can't be there for everyone..
I wish I've met you, I truley do,
I'll s look up in the stars, the ones that sparkle and shine, the way you were suppose too,
just knowing in the back of my mind that a cup of coffee with you could have saved you.

Meeting Wisdom

It's been 3 years since I let this man in my broken home.
The windows to my soul were shattered,
and my closets were stuffed with secrets,
My drawers were filled with bad habits,
had hooks to hang up my bitterness,
and bookshelves filled with unforgiveness.
But there, my savior knocked on my door, and I let him inside.
He started cleaning out my home, made me some tea while I sat there,
barley breathing.


Everytime I left that broken house,
I use to walk past Wisdom blindly when she was calling out for me.
Though it was like Chinatown
she stood on a milk crate,
for everyone to see
and I thought it was just some homeless woman just wanting my money.

Her hair was white, with crow feet carved near her eyes,
and her clothes were old and faded.
Yet there was something about her that was different.
Beautiful, though it looked like she had nothing,
her spirit was still bright and youthful.
But there were something else about those eyes that just pierced my soul,
And that's what caught my gaze.
It was as if darkness and light collided,
and I saw the sun through the haze.

She told me her name was Wisdom
but she didn't want anything from me.
Instead she was offering life's greatest gift to me.
This hollering women wants to offer the greatest jewelry, for free.
And around her neck was a key.
I understand now,
Wisdom.
The key that opens life's greatest treasure.
Far more greater than diamonds and rubies.
And she wanted to give that key to me.

Even though the road was narrow and the ways were tough,
I'm glad I came into Ms. Wisdom's path,
because with out her I don't think I would be the one,
to have the last laugh.

So while everyone runs through Chinatown with a fast pace,
I'll sit at Wisdom's feet,
Staring God in the face.

Confession of my struggles

"Why? Why are you still here, with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run.
And hide myself."

This is a confession. And this is a difficult topic for me to be facing,

but knowing me, here I am.
I'll stand face to face with this topic, and stare it dead in the face, again.
Because I'm gonna be real with you, up close and personal.
I don't have a perfect posture as a Christian.
I jumped and I danced, and that reputation is what I use live by,
but little did y'all know that I was actually dead inside

So here's my confession to you.
Every night I would be the one to wrap my legs around a pillow
and pretend it was my dream man holding me tightly,
and that he would call me his baby.
I would make believe that his hand would be around me,
me against his warm body.
Safe, loved, and beautiful..

But lets get back to reality.
It was my own warmth reflecting right back at me,
and I start twisting that ring of mine that represents purity.
Waiting for the man that's right for me,
to finally unlock the desires God has kept for me.
In a safe, kept locked away that leaked on some nights.
Nights where I so badly wanted to brake that safe and let everything pour out of me
but I know that one night of lust isn't worth a baby so I thought pornography would end this sanity, but in the end it left me empty..

Just another lonely night I guess.

There were just some nights where I just couldn't say no to myself,
and I just couldn't get my self to stop!
And the thoughts of self harming myself right after,
maybe, just maybe that's what will get me to stop..

Hey, I have secrets in my closet, so here,
let me open it up,
hold on  it wont budge,
see, it hasn't been opened for a while,
there's just so much behind, and it's piling up.
So let me just fling wide my closet and let the skeletons pour out.
*gasp* I feel the goosebumps from
the audience. Why?

I know, I know it's not pretty,
and I know this isn't what you expected of me,
but these are my thoughts and here they're yours to keep.
I'd be lying if I said, I overcame all my temptation,
because like I said, my heart cracked a bit and leaked on some nights,
nights where I'm not so proud of,
now I know some of you here can relate.

And Jesus, you never said it would be easy , but you promised me,
you promised that you'd take care of me!
I've grown to like being alone,
but some nights I just want to be held again,
and I try to hold back my stupidity.
Soul ties, man aren't those something,
Trying my best to sustain my purity.

Because that desire you've placed in my heart,
it just won't go away.
Its like a vine that just keeps on growing,
and to stop it I chop, chop, chop the vines off,
but it just keeps on growing,
and I want to pull the roots out because all it causes is trouble.
If I leave these roots in, I was convinced all they wanted to do was hurt me..

I remember crying out,
"Can you just rip these roots out of me!?
I'm finished with creating UN-necessary soul ties,
with the people who can't look pass my body.
I don't want to go back in the dark searching love blindly,
then cry on the floor and let the voices haunt me.
You know what I'm talking about!
You know what I've been through!"

But there he goes again,
the enemy creeping in my thoughts.
Which causes me to become mindful that I already found love..
I found You.
I found the love that loves me for me,
God who sacrificed his Son to help me see..
and it doesn't matter how much I love God,
it matters about God's love for me and that love well, it lives inside me.

So until then I will hide behind the thorn bushes, not by force but of choice.
But right now I'm gonna wear my heart on my sleeve,
and from wearing it a little to much, it wore and it tore,
but I wont allow the devil to deceive, me,
and keep my heart locked away were no one can see, me..

Amy

And I have these thoughts that haunt me sometimes,
and well at times, I sit for just hours thinking about my life,
reminiscing on the 'good ole' days',
but recently, it cut me like a knife.
I was bleeding out emotions and I didn't know what to feel,
I felt so numb, but then it felt so real.
 
I was surprised at being surprised,
once a Christian you finally realize, the truth,
behind the secrets and lies,
and things like this finally jump out at you like a jack - in - the - box
but it's time to look up at the skies
and treat life, like a beautiful prize.
So valuable, so precious, as if you slip, it all tumbles and crashes.
Today can be your last,
in a moment, in an instant it can happen so fast.
 
I was surprised at the fact that I could have been killed..
in my mother's womb.
But Jesus saved me, gave me a chance to bloom.
I could have had a little sister,
but before she was born two months down the road after I was,
she had been stolen by the Thief in the night,
didn't even have a chance to scream or fight.
 
She didn't have a name yet so I call her, Amy.
Amy.. Amy.. Amy..
I've always thought about how beautiful of a name it was,
and uh, Amy?
We've never spoken but I kind of miss you.
To see that smile I long and dream to see for a while,
but I'm so glad you didn't have to feel the pain that I've been through,
but there's healing in those tears that just turned into scars.
 
I can't wait to meet you,
I've seen you once before,
in a dream, with your dark chocolate hair and your wide melon eyes,
running on the sea shore,
and meeting you is all I really ask for.
Farther in the dream you were about to speak,
but you disappeared in an instant,
and I awoke from the dream.
 
Even though we were born in two different worlds,
I was born in a war, you were born into a Kingdom.
I hope you look down from the Heaven's above,
with a crown on your head representing love.
But I'm still kind of left wondering!
How things would have been like if you were around,
but it's fine now, because you are safe and sound.
 
 To think I could have been aborted but,
look at me now, look at me now from what I use to be to who I am now.
Wow..
But God still isn't finished with you, or me,
so who ever is listening to this don't even think you were a mistake, 
take that back that's a lie from enemy.
Don't you dare think you've won because you've murdered my sister,
you know who you are.
Because she's up and above, beyond the clouds and stars,
withe the Creator, my Maker, and best of all, my Savior.
So my dear, Jesus, please !
Take care of Amy so that when I come meet you,
I will come meet her too.